This is the first of the poems I read in the drawing room of Cumberland Lodge at the “Smatterings” conference I wrote about earlier.

It’s in waltz time, which means that the beat goes ONE two three, ONE two three, and if learners of English gets the beat right, then they can’t fail to stress the words correctly. 

Tina's a teacher, Priscilla's a preacher,

Donald's a doctor and Ted drives a truck.

Fred's a photographer, Joe's a geographer;

Barry's a barrister down on his luck.

Annie's an anarchist, Monty's a monarchist,

Prue is a proctor and Fred owns a farm,

Cy's a psychologist, Bill's a biologist,

Charley's a charmer who's run out of charm.

Col's a collector and Di's a director

Astrid's an astronaut, Bas runs a bank.

Con's a confessor and Prue's a professor.

Cher owned a ship until (sadly) it sank.

Mag's a magician and Phil's a physician,

Cosmo's a cosmonaut circling the moon.

Ruby's a realist,  Ike's an idealist,

Cindy's a singer who can't hold a tune.

Ruth is a writer and Freddy's a fighter,

Phil's a philanthropist handing out cash.

Sid's a psychotic and Norm's a neurotic,

Danny's a driver who's scared he might crash.

Walter's a waiter and Tom's a translator,

Aaron's an airman who flies through the sky.

Tammy's a tailor and Willie's a whaler,

Charlie's a chairman who can't tell a lie.

Benny's a boozer and Lenny's a loser,

Sol's a solicitor, Chloe's a clown.

Eddie 's an editor, Chrissie's a creditor,

Reg is a wrestler whose job gets him down.

Sal's a selector and Den's a defector,

Mike is a miner all covered in grime.

Rita's a royalist,  Lita's a loyalist,

Paula's a poet whose poems don't rhyme.

(If you would like to hear a recording of the poem, click here. It will take you to an earlier posting where I explain the relationship between regular beats and word stress.)

Here are some of the various powerful word stress rules exemplified in the poem.

1. a) Two-syllable verbs (most of which start with what used to be prepositions) tend to have a weak first syllable. If you add another syllable, to make the verb into a noun, the place of stress remains the same.
   

     Verb:    seLECT / coLLECT / surVIVE / conFESS / comPUTE

      Noun:    seLECTor / coLLECTor / surVIVor / conFESSor /comPUter

2. b)  In fact there are a number of other suffixes which are ‘stress
   

       neutral’, i.e. do no affect the place of main stress if added. e.g.

        LOYal  / LOyalist

        ROYal /  ROYalist

        REAL / REAList

        iDEAL / iDEAList

100. c)    Three or four syllable words ending in <y> tend to have main
     

         stress two syllables from the end.  If these words have the

         suffixes <er> or <ist> added, there is no change of stress. e.g.

         phoTOgraphy /         phoTOgrapher

         geOgraphy /             geOgrapher

         psyCHOlogy /          psyCHOlogist

         geOlogy  /                 geOlogist

         phiLANthropy /       phiLANthropist

         ANarchy /                ANarchist

         MONarchy /            MONarchist

500. d)    Words ending in <ic> or <ical> tend to have the stress on the
     

          preceding syllable.

           psyCHOtic / neuROtic / MAgic / PHYsic /TOnic /

5. e)       And if an <ic> word has the <ion> or <ian> suffix added, there    
   

            is a change of stress, since these latter suffixes are not ‘stress

            neutral’ but ‘stress imposing’.

            MAgic / maGIcian

            PHysic / phySIcian

            theoREtic / theoreTIcian

           

6. f)        Compound nouns have front stress, whether they are composed of
   

            two ‘free’ morphemes, e.g.

            air + man =        AIRman

            chair + man =    CHAIRman

            or two ‘elements’ from Latin or Greek, e.g.

            PHOto + graph         =     PHOtograph

            MIcro + scope            =     MICROscope

            ASTro + naut            =     ASTronaut

            COSmo + naut           =    COSmonaut.

Note that there is a hierarchy of these powerful rules, which explains apparent chaos in our word stress system.  For example.

PHOtograph         = rule (f)

phoTOgraphy        = rule (c)

photoGRAphic       = rule (e)

And if these rules are difficult to internalise, then all the more reason for students of English to absorb them painlessly, through poetry.